THE FASTEST MOBILE LIBRARY IN THE WEST
(John Conolly)

In the town of Piddle Trenthide lived a celebrated man
He drove around the countryside in a mobile library van
This hero's name was Ernie and he always did his best
And they say he drove the fastest mobile library in the west
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

Now Ernie had a sweetheart a ravishing young floozie
A library assistant by the name of sexy Susie
She liked revealing dresses and she had some proper shockers
And Ernie loved her cos she had a lovely pair of knee caps
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

Now Ernie and young Susie would drive around for hours
Her mother was the local witch and Sue had magic powers
She cast a spell on Ernie which caused his heart to yield
She put her hand upon his knee and he turned into a field
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

Now Ernie had a rival an evil looking man
He was the chief librarian and his name was Dirty Dan
He drove a Lamborghini and he smoked a fat cigar
He was lecherous and treacherous as chief librarians are
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

He fancied Susie for himself did the here Dirty Daniel
And he ogled her through his horn rims like an intellectual spaniel
He sent old Ernie out on a fruitless task one day
Then he lured her to the reading room to have his wicked way
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

Now Dan had Susie cornered and his horn rims fogged with lust
As he gazed upon the heaving slopes of her prodigious bust
Is there no gallant knight she cried to save this maiden's honour
And Ernie dashed into the room as Dan threw himself upon her
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

Unhand that maid cried Ernie with a disapproving frown
I've got you dirty swine caught with your trousers down
Then he drew his trusty date stamp and gave Dan a nasty tweak
In a part of his anatomy of which we must not speak
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

Old Dan turned white with horror and then turned red with rage
And the fearsome fight which followed will go down in histories page
As they grovelled in the novels Sues heart was filled with dread
When Daniel pulled the bookshelves down on poor old Ernie's head
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

Twas the books that finished Ernie though he were big and tough
And though his skull were thick and strong it weren't quite thick enough
He survived the Penguin poets and the fairy tales of Grimm
But the complete works of Dostoyevsky proved too much for him
Musha ru rum a du rum a day


Poor Ernie's gone forever now his ticket's marked expired
And for their part in his downfall young Sue and Dan got fired
But Ernie's name will live on page fifteen he got a mention
In the County Council manual of accident prevention
Musha ru rum a du rum a day

But in some lonesome lay by out in the fields of green
They say a ghostly library van may sometimes still be seen
It kind of rocks from side to side while parked against the curb
And on the doors a notice saying please do not disturb
Musha ru rum a du rum a day


Regards
Fantum