WONDERFUL WORLD OF SEX
Written by Mike Smith (except for last verse, apparently)
As sung by Steve Goodman on "The Steve Goodman Anthology: No Big Surprise" (1994)

I could learn to speak Vietnamese by myself.
I could even teach it to my good dog Ralph.
I could learn to read you every book on the shelf.
I could tell your fortune like the oracle of Delph-i.
I could learn to tell you ev'ry flower by its color.
I could even swim as fast as Johnny Weissmuller,
But I could never learn to get along without you.
Don't you run away from me; I sure dig sex.

Do I love you? Is the pope Catholic?
Do I need you? Is a rubber band elastic?
Do I want you? Is the atom bomb drastic?
Let's be heterosexually
Entwined; we fit like a Hong-Kong suit, dear.
I dig you more than I dig root beer.
Peanut-butter sandwiches are pretty neat,
And when you get right down to it, it just can't compete
With good old double-s-e-double-x.
It's faster than Batman and bigger than Texas,
And you're concave and I'm convex.
Welcome to the world of sex.

You can get love from your mama or your papa.
You can get steam from a Turkish or a sauna.
You can get hot from tortillas or lasagna,
But you get all three when you make it with me.

So—
I can't remember the words to the verse.
A short attention span is a mummy's curse.
This song started out pretty good.
I'll finish it someday; knock on wood.
Mike Smith'd be embarrassed if he knew
This is the one song of his I blew.
You'd never know what's comin' off next (do you?)
In the wonderful world of sex.