Someone asked me recently for a monologue for a Christmas concert, so I looked around for one suitable off the shelf, but I couldn't find anything much. Christmas in the workhouse and its parodies, but otherwise nothing close to usable. That seems surprising, so I thought I'd bring it to the Mudcat.

To be going on with, here's one I wrote in response to the request, new off the press so to speak.


OUR BELINDA

The shops were all pudding and Santa,
There was Christmas all over the place -
Why, soon we'd be getting to August,
There wasn't a moment to waste.
"If we went for a free range farm turkey this year,
That surely would do us no harm."
So I sat down at the computer
And I ordered a bird from a farm.

Time passed, we were getting near Christmas,
So I phoned up the man to make sure,
And he says "Don't you worry, tomorrow
That Turkey will be at your door.
Of course we'll be sending a female -
Female Flesh - it's much sweeter that way!"
I thought that a bit near the knuckle,
But some farmers are like that they say.

And next day sure enough there's a ring on the door.
When I opened it, truth for to tell,
There's the Turkey. She's stood on her suitcase,
It was her had been ringing the bell.
I was taken aback, I admit it,
But manners are manners I say
So I said, "Come on in, you're expected,"
Which was true at least part of the way.

So the Turkey trots in, does a curtsey,
And stands in the hall looking shy,
And she really looked rather engaging,
I felt a tear come to my eye.
And I said "Did you have a good journey?"
And she nodded and started to blink.
She wasn't a great one for talking,
But that's fair enough, when you think.

The poor girl was clearly exhausted -
She'd a long journey coming to town
So I showed her on up to the spare room,
I could see she could use a lie down.

I was feeling a little embarrassed,
It's my wife deals with that kind of thing,
I mean visitors who aren't expected,
And ladies - but she wasn't in.
So I went back and sat on the sofa,
I felt just a little bit fussed.
Our Christmas was going to be different this year,
It was clear we would have to adjust.

Then my wife came on in, in a hurry
And she says "Dear, I'm sorry I'm late.
We've been learning to knit Christmas puddings
For those who are trying to lose weight.
Has our Turkey arrived like he told you?"
I said "Yes she has, you might say.
But she's not plucked, and she's not oven ready.
Dressed for table? Well, you'd best come and see anyway"
So we both tiptoed up to the bedroom,
And I opened the door, just a peep.
She was lying on a flowery pillow,
And she really looked ever so sweet.

"I'm all of a flurry" my wife says.
"We'll have to make plans, you and me.
But that poor little thing she's exhausted.
Now what would she like for her tea..."

We hadn't a clue what her name was,
There wasn't a way we could tell,
In the end though we hit on Belinda,
And she seemed to like it as well.
And very soon little "Belinda"
Was settled and feeling at home,
And going for long trots around Harlow -
Being free range she was fond of a roam.

And Belinda was ever so tidy
It surprised me, I have to confess,
She'd not let me slump on the sofa
And she wouldn't put up with a mess.
My wife said that's just what we needed,
And you know, and I find it quite strange,
With the house now so neat and so tidy,
It makes quite an enjoyable change.

When the day came for our Carol Concert
Belinda joined in with the rest,
And she fitted in well with our choir,
Since her voice isn't one of the best.
And she helped us in wrapping the presents,
And hanging the cards on the wall,
I don't know how we managed without her
Her being so helpful and all.

Our Christmas it went off like clockwork -
The dinner was something to see.
Course there wasn't a bird on the table,
That would not have been right, you'll agree.
We'd decided to go vegetarian,
With Indian dishes to eat
And Belinda tucked into a salad we shared,
With some snails and worms for a treat.

After dinner we watched television.
I don't think she made much of the Queen,
But when they had Strictly Come Dancing,
Well that was a whole different scene.
And it turns out that dancing's her passion,
When she saw Riverdance, she was sold,
And now she goes every week to an Irish Dance class,
And she's a costume in green white and gold.

And when Swan Lake was screened from the Bolshoi,
As Cineworld does now and then,
Belinda was there in the front row
And I know she'll be back there again.

And the next time we have the Line Dancing
She'll be up there, no doubt in my mind
And you'll know her, of that there's no question -
She's the one who'll be leading the line.

No, a Turkey is not just for Christmas!
And now that I've come to an end
I can tell you next year we'll be getting a Goose.
Our Belinda could do with a friend.

October 23rd 2014