I have GOT to get back in the habit of checking here every day. Actually, I haven't been spending much time here at the desktop computer, but what I've done this morning in the past few minutes while sitting here is change my wall calendar to May and sort a pile of papers to my left that I KNEW needed to be filed in several other elsewheres (and put the ones that go upstairs to be filed by the stairs).
I got the cycle started in the dishwasher when I walked past to get here.
While sipping coffee and waiting for my hair to dry, I read down the pile of free papers so the remains can go out in tomorrow's trash, put the year on the pages of my calendar notations that will go into a separate binder for "quick" reference (a copy of the digital file is already filed in front of the annual binders of "The Archives"), and started clearing off the "library & communications" side of the bed so I can change the sheets later.
Yesterday I got the new mailing address of a friend so I can send her a sympathy note. I just found out (from her when I asked how Roy was) that her long-time partner died last December. In a lot of ways, I haven't been paying close attention to a lot of things this past year -- his obituary slipped by me and I hadn't seen either of them since last summer. And I have some thank yous to write -- one that's been neglected since last fall and the other from just a few days ago. (More on that in a bit.)
Tomorrow is the third meeting of my grief group and I'm again finding it helpful. Friends have been asking me what I mean when I say that I'm finding my second year of widowhood to be complicated. Actually, I'm still trying to sort that out myself and I think the group (and the exercises) are helping me to articulate that better so I can address it.
I need to get to work this week (decluttering and cleaning in the house and raking the leaf mulch out of the flower beds and driveway outside) because I went out for a lot of live music this past week and took a 2-day mini-vacation away from the guilt of not getting stuff done around the house. (But my sister commented on the phone that since I returned, my voice sounds a lot less stressed than before I took the two days off.)
The live music ranged from a jazz guitar concert at the Portsmouth library last Sunday to a Joyce Andersen concert yesterday at the UU church "around the corner" (less than 2 miles away) from me in Nottingham with the Friday session, of course, sandwiched in between.
The mini vacation was a run up Rte. 202 to Gray, Maine (about 2 hours away) to visit friends in an antique cape jam packed with maritime and historical stuff, cannons on the deck, and two macaws to punctuate our stimulating and constant conversation. Camaraderie plus intriguing surroundings that don't leave me feeling guilty about work left undone. Great combination. And only away from the cats for one overnight. It was also inspirational -- I now know you CAN have a bit of floorspace and artful organization amidst what looks like random (though fascinating) clutter.
A couple of my accomplishments of the past year and a half is on-the-job training in the management of a non-profit board of directors (I felt comfortable in my position as president of the PMFF board for the first time at the last meeting -- after recruiting two new board members and a volunteer coordinator as well as starting some other board development that had never been addressed before) and realizing what management skills I've developed as the leader of the two sessions I lead (traffic cop, diplomat, and shrink). These really ARE accomplishments (I'm saying this because I startled myself with the realization) and an education and I had to do it without Tom's advice and mentoring, just trusting my own skills and remembering how Tom handled things in the past (when I really wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been).
I keep pingponging between feeling I'm doing pretty well and accomplishing a lot and feeling totally overwhelmed and beleaguered at all that needs to be done.
Right now I think I need to eat lunch and then go out and do something physical (raking) where I can really SEE what I've accomplished.