You can't fully appreciate the parody if you don't know the original:


DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND
Words and music by Jule Styne and Leo Robin; from "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."
As sung by Carol Channing in the Broadway production, 1949.
Also sung by Marilyn Monroe in the film, 1953.

The French are glad to die for love.
They delight in fighting duels,
But I prefer a man who lives
And gives expensive jewels.

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental,
But diamonds are a girl's best friend.
A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental
On your humble flat
Or help you at the Automat.
Men grow cold
As girls grow old,
And we all lose our charms in the end,,
But square-cut or pear-shape,
These rocks don't lose their shape.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

I've heard of affairs that are strictly platonic,
But diamonds are a girl's best friend;
And I think affairs that you must keep masonic
Are the better bets,
If little pets get big baguettes.
Time rolls on,
And youth is gone,
And you can't straighten up when you bend,
But stiff back or stiff knees,
You stand straight at Tiff'ny's.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer,
But diamonds are a girl's best friend.
There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer
Thinks you're awful nice,
But get that ice or else no dice.
He's your guy
When stocks go high,
But beware when they start to descend.
It's then that those louses
Go back to their spouses.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.