Here's how I hear it. I heard it on Spotify:


DON'T GO ON THE 8-3-0¹
(Ian McCalman)
As recorded by The McCalmans on "Honest Poverty" (1993)

1. He was driving up to Mallaig,² Glenfinnan³ by Loch Shiel,⁴
Heading for Lochailort,⁵ content behind the wheel.
The road was getting narrower; the sign said "Slow."
It's the Highland⁶ daily dodgems;⁷ it's the 8-3-0.

2. There is a natural assumption that A roads⁸ are wide
Enough to take a car and one the other side.
Tourist information will never, never tell.
It's like driving through heaven on a road made for hell.

CHORUS: 'Cause it's a single track; you can't turn back; the stories are all the same
Of the tourists leaving Corpach⁹, never seen again.
Don't go on the 8-3-0.
Don't go on the 8-3-0.

3. There's a joke in the Highlands; it's called a passing place,¹⁰
Where French stay for chips and English stay for days and days and days.
When lorries lose control you've one last wish:
"Don't let me die under twenty tons of fish!"

CHORUS: 'Cause it's single track; you can't turn back; a nightmare without end.
Eyes ahead, 'cause Nigel Mansell's¹¹ waiting round the bend.
Don't go on the 8-3-0.
Don't go on the 8-3-0.

4. Whoever called this road a road was telling little lies.
The 8-3-0's a sheep track, in very thin disguise—
Italian caravanettes,¹² driving on the right,
Meeting Wallace Arnold¹³ coaches in the middle of the night.

5. Of the man that's stopping progress, a theory's going round
That he owns the biggest breaker's yard¹⁴ this side of Mallaig town.
You can see him in the gloaming, towing wrecks from where they lie,
And he turns them into girders for the bridge across to Skye.¹⁵

CHORUS: And it's a single track; he's in Mallaig, and now he feels no pain.
He's dumped the car; he's in the bar; he's steaming back by train.
On a single track, you can's turn back; the moral's very plain:
It's grand to visit Mallaig; it's safer by MacBrayne.¹⁶
Don't go on the 8-3-0.
Don't go on the 8-3-0.
Don't go on the 8-3-0.


NOTES: 1. A830. 2. Mallaig. 3. Glenfinnan. 4. Loch_Shiel. 5. Lochailort. 6. Highlands. 7. dodgems. 8. A roads. 9. Corpach. 10. passing place. 11. Nigel Mansell. 12. caravanette. 13. Wallace_Arnold. 14. breaker's yard. 15. Skye. 16. MacBrayne.