I haven't seen a Guy for about seven or eight years. The last one was in Wigan, and had a football for a head. At least they'd bothered to make a Guy; it had become the habit to get one lad to slump against the wall with a scarf over his face - I was always tempted to give him a kick to see if he kept up the pretence. On the subject of the now total commercialisation - and Americanisation - of Hallowe'en, when did you last hear of duck-apples or snap-apples? And what ever happened to the turnip lantern? Well, swede, actually, but we always called them turnips. Most of my generation didn't even see a pumpkin until we were about twenty. Turnip lanterns look more sinister than pumpkin ones, which look like somethig out of disneyland. And what the hell have vampires, space aliens, spiders and such got to do with Hallowe'en? GRRRRRRR.

John Kelly - pedant, Luddite and dinosaur. Somebody needs to be.