Here's my transcription from The UCSB Cylinder Audio Archive:


THE ARKANSAW TRAVELER [sic]
As recorded by Len Spencer [and George Schweinfest], Columbia Phonograph Co. 11098, between 1904 and 1909.

[Plays beginning of tune, until interrupted.]
—Why, how do you do, boss? What might your name be?
—Say, what made you think I was boss here?
—Well, I just guessed it.
—Well, guess what my name is! Aw-haw-haw-haw!
[Plays beginning of tune, until interrupted.]
—How far is it to the next crossroads?
—Well, just follow your nose and you'll come to it! Aw-haw-haw-haw!
[Plays beginning of tune, until interrupted.]
—Uh, just one moment, now. Where does this road go to?
—Why it don't go anywhere. Stays just where 'tis! Aw-haw-haw-haw!
[Plays beginning of tune, until interrupted.]
—Why see here. I'm a lawyer, and a pretty smart one, too. Do I look it?
—Well, yes. Now I had a lawsuit about this here house about a year ago.
—Well, did you have a smart lawyer?
—Yes, you just bet I did. He owns the house now! Aw-haw-haw-haw!
[Plays beginning of tune, until interrupted.]
—See here, there's a leak in the roof of your house. Why don't you get it fixed?
—'Cause it's been a-raining lately.
—Yes, why don't you get it fixed when it's not raining?
—'Cause when it don't rain, it don't leak! Aw-haw-haw-haw!
[Plays beginning of tune, until interrupted.]
—Well for pity's sake, play the rest of that tune.
—Well, I just reckon there's no man living smart enough to do that.
—Oh, yes there is. I can, if you'll let me.—Oh, thank you.
[Plays remainder of tune.]
—By …, why you're the smartest man a-living. Come right in! Come right in! ... Aw-haw-haw-haw!