Wall pennywort is a cure for piles. Just rub the leaves on your sore bum. It's also an edible plant. My personal recommendation, as a botany graduate, is that you use different batches of wall pennywort for these two purposes. I'd also suggest that you should wash your hands between the two operations, though you probably won't die if you don't.

[As I don't want anyone to be poisoned, the wall pennywort I'm talking about is Umbilicus rupestris.]