IT was long ago, too (2005, to be exact) on a late November day, that the inimitable Source of All Soi-Disant Wisdom for the Children of MOAB posted this stern warning:

"The world is running out of numbers. IP addresses are already scarcer than hen's teeth, ISBNs are getting that way, and Who Know What Will Be Next. Well, I do and I'm gonna let you in on it because Mother's children can and must survive the Number Crunch. And I'm doing this for free, because I'm a good-hearted sort of guy, but who wouldn't turn down a gift or a percentage of the take, either.

But what isn't widely known -- YET -- is that we are running out of ALL numbers. Think about it. Mathematicians have known for centuries that this day would come; why do you think that they call them "finite numbers?" And because of the current crowd in governments world-wide we are quickly running out of rational numbers, too! Integers, once the mainstay of arithmetic and accounting, are now replaced by...by...imaginary numbers!

These trends will culminate in your lifetime and mine (well, definitely mine, since I plan to live forever). Highly sophisticated regression analysis, applying the esoteric concepts embodied in Fermat's Second-To-Last Theorem and the crystalline arrays of Laplace Transformations, demonstrate beyond the shadow of a doubt that the world will run completely out of number no later than 2:37 p.m., April 14, 2007.

NOTE THE DATE! Americans will not be able to pay their income taxes!

But I offer to you, fellow MOABites, a chance to stockpile (i.e., hoard) numbers for the coming Number Crunch. There is a number mine here, and you can follow the links (or "veins", as numberologists call them) to more numbers. Most importantly, it doesn't matter if the numbers are pre-owned or even obsolete! Buff out the scratches and you can sell them as new! Accountants, tax attorneys, and even ordinary citizens will praise you while at the same time shelling out Big Buck$ for the numbers YOU had the foresight to stockpile. Your children and grandchildren will thank you, not to mention that they will be able to do their math homework and even paginate their term papers!


Thus, 't was ever thus--an opportunistic rumor-monger of the First Water! An afficianado of braggadocio and hyperbole, A first-order fan of foofaraw and fervent furbelows, a lover of linguistic malconformations and misty muzziness designed to bother, bewilder, bewitch and balognify, a misled master of misrepresentation and maudlin magic mysticism, a conniving confidence cad and a scurrilous scoundrel spraying semantic shrapnel on innocent lawns.

Long have we suffered, and, lo, no end is there in view. But have faith, children of Mom! The day will come when a single trumpet-like statement--clear, concise, and demonstrably truthful--will flow from the bedraggled and abused keyboard of this miserable malcontent. Then shall the halls of Mom ring with rejoicing, the paeans of praise as the meandering misanthrope sees the Light! Calllooo! Calllay!