Pardon me, I make homemade soap and it is not ugly! I think what you meant perhaps was "uglier than homemade sin."

Mister likes that expression about useless as tits on a boar hog.

Now, if the situation dictates that you can't use some of Spaw's clever expressions, words like "dagnabit," "doggone it," "fiddlesticks," and "sam hill" (as in, what in the sam hill you yellin for, George?) are good.

Drunker than Cooter Brown is another good one, except I have no idea who in the sam hill Cooter Brown was...