I think I might have to issue an edict banning confusing names such as Kim, Lesley, Frances, Sam, Bobby, Jordan, Vivian, Hilary, etc. And that bloody Paul Temple can stop calling his missus "Steve" right now. Ridiculous. And what on earth were Carlo Maria Giulini's mum and dad thinking of! Poor lad, no wonder he took to the baton in order to assert himself! I'm minded to set up a department to deal with this. Or a quango (as soon as I find out what one is). You need not apply to be in charge if your name is Alex, Frankie, Pat or Mel.

And what kind of a name is "Rudyard" anyway? Were they having a laugh or what?