Wasn't able to post, owning to my former status as "GUEST,Stim", Keberoxu, but I've had a sense of your mental condition since your original post, and have been holding you in the Light.

Though it isn't always obvious, most of us here are "creatives" of one kind or another (performers, musicians, writers, poets, teachers, et al) and part of that is that we often/usually/always have a predisposition to journey into the dark realms. As The Snail says, "Been there, done that...things will get better". I hope you can hold on to that, and never let it go.