UNEASY RIDER '88 As recorded by The Charlie Daniels Band on "Homesick Heroes" (1988).
Me an' my buddy got us a wild hair, An' figgered we wanted to go somewhere, So we loaded up my ragtop Chev'olet. We had a little bit o' money an' a whole lot o' show, An' with Hank Junior blarin' on the radio, We got a tank full o' gas an' we was on our way.
We figgered we'd go down to New Orleans. We were barrelin' down ol' Seventeen When a man with a blinkin' red light was on our tail. He said: "You were doin' sixty in a forty-five, But I'm gonna let you go this time, But if I catch you again, I'm 'on' slap you in the county jail."
We said: "Thank you, sir; you sure been nice, An' you ain't gonna have to tell us twice." An' we were southbound an' down with the wind blowin' in our faces. We kep' on rollin' an' purty soon The radio was cookin' out a Haggard tune, An' we were pullin' into Houston an' checkin' out all them places.
I's feelin' dry an' I said: "I think We ought 'o stop an' get ourselves a drink." Ol' Jim said: "Yeah, 'cause we got time to kill." We kep' on rollin'; I seen this spot. We pulled into the parkin' lot O' this place called the Cloud Nine Bar an' Grill."
Go up th'ough the door an' the place was jammed. The lights were low; they had a punk-rock band, An' some orange-haired feller singin' 'bout suicide. I said: "Jim, this ain't our kind o' place." He said: "Well, let's just have one round anyway," So against my better judgment, we walked on inside.
Went up to the bar an' we set down. This feller walked up an' said: "I'll buy this roun'." An' he set down on the bar stool next to Jim. He looked like a girl but he talked like a guy, Had lipstick on an' mascara in 'is eye, An' ever'body in that place looked just about like him.
I said: "Jim, this ain't our kind o' bar. Let's just go on out an' get back in the car, 'Cause there's gonna be trouble; ain't no sense in takin' a chance." We's gittin' up, gittin' ready to leave. Somebody grabbed ol' Jim by the sleeve, Was this good-lookin' girl; she was askin' my buddy to dance.
I said: "Jim, don't do it; there's somethin' missin'. There's fellers dancin' an' fellers kissin'. There's a feller in high-heel shoes wearin' pantyhose." He said: "Partner, I just can't turn this down. You just go over there an' have one more round. I'll dance with the lady an' we'll get on down the road."
So he walked away an' left me alone, An' this funny-lookin' feller kep' comin' on, An' he was makin' me mad at some o' the things he said. An' then he put his hand on my knee. I said: "If you don't get your paw off me, I'm gonna locate your nose around on the side o' your head."
He said: "I love it when you get that fire in your eyes." I said: "Well, partner, try this on for size." An' I unloaded on him; he went out like a light. Ever'body in that place must 'a' been his friend. They all headed for me; I said: "This is the end, But where I come from, we don't give up without a fight."
They were screamin' an' yellin', scratchin' an' clawin'. I's punchin' an' hittin' an' kickin' an' pawin'. I's holdin' my own, 'cause I been in a scrap or two. Ol' Jim come runnin' up out o' the blue, An' that gal he was with come runnin' up too, An' proceeded to beat on me with a high-heel shoe.
I grabbed 'er by the hair; it come off in my han', An' that beautiful girl was just a beautiful man. Ol' Jim just got sick right there on the floor. He dropped that dude like a shot from a gun, Smeared his lipstick, made his makeup run, An' me an' ol' Jim started fightin' our way to the door.
Man, we lit out o' there in that Chev'olet, An' I put 'er on the floor an' stayed that way. We was goin' down the highway doin' 'bout a hun'r'd an' ten. We's headed for home an' we was gettin' near, Then a red light come on in the rear-view mirr'r, An' that same blamed cop was pullin' us over again.
Well, I'm sittin' here in this county jail. I had to call my daddy to go our bail, But I learned me a lesson that I never will forget again. I done give up drinkin'; I've give up bars An' runnin' round the country in souped-up cars. Goin' back where the women are women an' the men are men.