The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #59418   Message #3798873
Posted By: Bee-dubya-ell
03-Jul-16 - 11:48 AM
Thread Name: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Hi, Mom! Now that my general location has been discovered by advertising bots, and in anticipation of an impending invasion by the little bastards, I have taken the following proactive steps to repel or defeat them:

1) My property is most easily accessed from the paved road on its eastern border. There is a covey of AR-15 loving rednecks who live across the road, and I have informed them that bots are really good eatin'. If the bots attack from that direction, they will find themselves shot, skinned, gutted, and in a stew pot before they can say "Penis Enlargement!"

2) I have reinforced the northern border of my property by enlisting the assistance of my neighbor's cattle who will either
A) eat the bots
B) stomp on the bots
C) drop cow patties on the bots
D) all the above.

3) On the southern and western borders of my property I have done nothing. Nobody lives on the adjoining properties and they're so wild, untamed, and swampy that I'm almost afraid to set foot on them. Godzilla could be living there and I'd never know it. If the bots want to attack from either of those directions, more power to 'em.

4) In roughly the center if my property I have a pond. I have placed dynamite charges in the dam of said pond and, if I blow the charges, a deluge of pond water will be released, flooding my driveway and sweeping the bots down the hill and into a nearby creek, where they will either
A) drown
B) be swept all the way to the Gulf of Mexico
C) be eaten by alligators and/or snapping turtles
D) all the above.

5) In the unlikely event that any bots actually make it all the way back to my house, I shall release my dog who will doubtlessly mistake them for some new kind of dog toy and leave them spread around the yard in thousands of tiny pieces, just like she does with real dog toys.

These steps are, of course, in addition to everyday precautions such as making sure there's plenty of ammo for the BAR, fuel for the flamethrower, grease for the tank's tread, and week-dead cow carcasses for the trebuchet.