I am not celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day this year. I'm celebrating Quack Like a Duck Day instead. It's a new alternative holiday for those for whom TLAPD has become a bit passé. QLADD occurs on September 19, the same day as TLAPD. The premise is quite simple: when spoken to by anyone other than a police officer, quack like a duck, particularly when the other person is speaking Piratese.

Participants are encouraged, but are by no means required, to dress in duck costumes, eat duck weed, and leave runny green poop on sidewalks. Unlike TLAPD, there is no rum drinking involved. QLADD participants celebrate by guzzling cold duck sparkling wine straight from the bottle.

If the novelty of talking like a pirate has worn thin for you, now's your chance to get in on the ground floor of the next really stupid made up excuse to be an ass in public and drink 'til you puke. Worldwide participation in QLADD is at a all-time low! Start celebrating now and someday you'll be able to tell your grandkids, "I was quacking when quacking wasn't cool!"