YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT ON THE TRAIN
(Roger Watson)
As performed by New Victory Band

Our pussycat, it died last week, the kids were so upset
The missus sent me into town to buy another pet
No other cat had quite replaced the one that passed away
So I looked for something different to try and make the day

I went in all the pet shops and a pub or two as well
I saw dogs and mice and rabbits, and a budgie with a bell
But nothing took me fancy 'til just after half past two
I saw these green and scaly jaws and beady eyes of blue

Well, I made the bloke an offer; he seemed glad to let it go
And I thought I'd take it home via train, for the tram, it'd be too slow
And when I rolled up at Victoria with the new pet by me side
I asked for one to Carrington, but the booking clod replied

"Oh no, you can't take that on the train!
No, you can't take that on the train!
You can take along a tiger, or a puma or a bear
An organ grinder's monkey, or a tortoise or a hare!
They can travel in the guard's van if you pay the normal fare
But you can't take that thing on the train!"

Sometimes to make an extra bob I do a few odd jobs
Such as fetching things and carrying, to please the local nobs
When Colonel Smith was moving house, he called me out one day
And sent me to the station with some things to ship away

There was cabin trunks, and bags and chests, and there was one thing more
The colonel brought from Africa, when he was in the War
And I should take great care of it, it was his joy and pride
It had a big black barrel and a wheel on either side

Well, I dragged it to Victoria upon a length of cord
And then I called a porter out to help us get on board
But just as we was managing to lift it in the van
Up runs the stationmaster with the rule book in his hand

And says "You can't take that on the train!
No, you can't take that on the train!
The itinerant musician, he can take along his harp
The man who sharpens scissors takes his grindstone in a cart
And the Kensington Museum even take their works of art
But you can't take that thing on the train!

Last summer we decided, that's the missus, kids, and me
We'd have a week in Skegey, where there's sun and sand and sea
I scrimped and saved a week or two, I even stopped me fags
The missus wrote and booked the digs and packed up all the bags

And then at last the time come 'round, the kids could hardly sleep
But when we got 'em settled down and started counting sheep
The missus sidles up to me and says "Now, don't be mad
But you know how lonely mother is since we lost me dear old Dad?"

Well, I knew just what was coming and I couldn't help but groan
I wouldn't say she's massive, but she's wrong side twenty stone
And when we turned up at the barrier, our tickets for to show
The inspector took one look at her and then he shouted "Whoa!"

"You can't take that on the train!
No, you can't take that on the train!
You can take along a camel (with one hump or with two)
A hippo or a zebra if they're going to the zoo
We've a special trunk for elephants, but that would never do
No, you can't take that thing on the train!"

"You can take...
Swawns, eggs, table legs
Grooms with horses, coffins, corpses
Biral, mucoline, margerine, acetylene
Pianofortes, gramaphones, and 'phoneums and phonographs

An officer in cavalry can take along his stallion
And bonafide dealers can take specie and bullion
Bicycles and tricycles, and children's folding mail carts
To Grimsby, Sheffield, Manchester, even into foreign parts

Velocipedes and flower seeds, but I must tell you plain
You can't take that! You can't take that!
You can't take that thing on the train!"

Transcribed somewhat by ear with corrections from here:
http://discuss.amtraktrains.com/index.php?/topic/23614-first-timer-baggage-help/