You Can't Take That On The Train
Roger Watson

Our pussycat, it died last week, the kids were so upset
The Mrs sent me into town to buy another pet
No other cat could quite replace the one that passed away
So I looked for something different to try and make the day

I went in all the pet shops and a pub or two as well
I saw dogs and mice and rabbits, and a budgie with a bell
But nothing took my fancy 'til just after half past two
I saw these green and scaly jaws and beady eyes of blue

Well, I made the bloke an offer, he seemed glad to let it go
And I thought I'd take it home by train for the tram'd be too slow
And when I rolled up at Victoria with the new pet by my side
I asked for, "One to Carrington," but the booking clod replied:

        "Oh no! You can't take that on the train!
        No, you can't take that on the train.
        You can take along a tiger, or a puma or a bear,
        An organ grinder's monkey, or a tortoise or a hare,
        They can travel in the guard's van if you pay the normal fare,
        But you can't take that thing on the train!"

Sometimes to make an extra bob I do a few odd jobs
Such as fetching things and carrying, to please the local nobs
When Colonel Smith was moving house, he called me out one day
And sent me to the station with some things to ship away

There was cabin trunks, and bags and chests, and there was one thing more
The colonel brought from Africa when he was in the war
And I should take great care of it, it was his joy and pride
It had a big black barrel, and a wheel on either side

Well, I dragged it to Victoria upon a length of cord
And then I called a porter out to help us get on board
But just as we were managing to lift it in the van
Up runs the stationmaster with his rule book in his hand,

        And says "You can't take that on the train!
        No, you can't take that on the train!
        The itinerant musician, he can take along his harp,
        The man who sharpens scissors takes his grindstone in a cart,
        And the Kensington Museum even take their works of art,
        But you can't take that thing on the train!"

Last summer we decided, that's the Mrs, kids, and me,
We'd have a week in Skeggy where there's sun and sand and sea.
I scrimped and saved a week or two, I even stopped my fags
The Mrs wrote and booked the digs and packed up all the bags

And then at last time came round, the kids could hardly sleep,
But when we got them settled down and started counting sheep
The Mrs sidles up to me and says "Now, don't be mad
But you know how lonely Mother is since we lost my dear old Dad"

Well, I knew just what was coming and I couldn't help but groan
I wouldn't say she's massive, but she's wrong side twenty stone
And when we turned up at the barrier, our tickets for to show,
The inspector took one look at her and then he shouted: "Whoa!"

        "You can't take that on the train!
        No, you can't take that on the train!
        You can take along a camel, with one hump or with two,
        A hippo or a zebra if they're going to the zoo,
        We've a special trunk for elephants, but that will never do,
        No, you can't take that thing on the train!"

        "You can take...

        Swans, eggs, table legs,
        Grooms with horses, coffins, corpses,
        [?], [?], margarine, acetylene
        Pianofortes, gramophones, and symphoniums and phonographs,

        An officer in cavalry can take along his stallion,
        And bona fide dealers can take specie and bullion,
        Bicycles and tricycles and children's folding mail carts,
        To Groomfield, Sheffield, Manchester, even into foreign parts,

        Velocipedes, flower seeds, but I must tell you plain,

        You can't take that! You can't take that!
        You can't take that thing on the train!"

[New Victory Band: One More Dance & Then, Topic Records 12TS382, 1978, trk#A3]

The above is my transcription from YT but I couldn't make out what comes before "...margarine, acetylene."

YT- New Victory Band: You Can't Take That On The Train


Another transcription at Amtrak Unlimited, close to the above with some other ommisions:

Amtrak Unlimited - Checked Baggage