Mr. Kress, I got complaint,
About one ten cent can of paint
My wife, she buy from your dam store,
And now by Christ, I'm good and sore.

You see, last week the spring she come
An everything, he's on the bum.
Da wall, da floor, and da window too,
He's dirty like; no like new.

Now my wife, she's clean and neat,
So she buy paint for toilet seat.
In one whole week we watch with eye
But whoopee paint, he not get dry.

My wife ain't tall, she's kinda fat,
Now you should see just where she sat.
She's got ring around complete,
Where she sat down on toilet seat.

I say to her, "It serve you right,
To try and be so whoopee tight".
That ten cent paint, he's no damn good,
He won't dry on no damn wood.

My daughter too get ring around
When on toilet seat she sit down.
For one whole damn week by Christ we wait
And now we all got constipate.

By Christ, I don't know what to do,
You got to eat and some go through.
My wife she cry and cry and cry
But whoopee paint, she not get dry.

And she's got sister, Evangelous,
She lives all time in house with us.
Last night I'm look where she sit down
By Christ, she's so fat she almost round.

I'm try to wipe off, with turpentine,
She howl like wolf, she lose her mind.
I'm scare like hell for half a day,
Da skin come off but the paint she stay

I live long time, but never see,
A man w'st got so mad like me.
When I think about that paint,
By Christ, I'm almost faint

Now, Mr. Kresge, I ask you
What the hell we're gonna do
For how can house be nice and neat,
If paint won't dry on toilet seat?.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle
First, and only time I heard this, it was delivered by a teenage boy in a west coast, U.S.A. speech competion in 1973. He used a French Canadian accent.