Indulge me for a moment, Stu. Your "gibberish" made perfect sense to me. So as I'm someone sensible, which is what Iains asked for, I'll translate for him.

"Not my bit" - not Stu's bit of England, pal!

"Up yer arse!" - insert your silly notion as far as it will go up the orifice that lies between the two cheeks of your probably-unwashed chocolate-covered Tory bumbum.

"Toffee-nosed dimwit" - little-Englander snobby ignorant twit.

"I shouldn't mock" - Yes he bloody should.

"Tory/Kipper tosspots" - tosspots (I assume you're OK with that one) whose sentiments lie with either the Tory party or UKIP. If your sentiments lie in either of those directions you are not automatically a tosspot but, well, let's put it this way: you're more than three-quarters of the way there.

"have no idea what England is or ever was." - they think that England is the country of long shadows on county grounds, warm beer, invincible green suburbs, dog lovers and pools fillers and, as George Orwell said, 'Old maids bicycling to holy communion through the morning mist' and, if they get their way, Shakespeare will still be read even in school. The gritty reality of food banks, zero-hours contracts, communities destroyed by a harridan ideologue and the disabled and elderly left to rot has totally eluded them, probably because they're too busy checking their dividends.

Thanks for the opportunity, Stu. Hope this helps, Iains.