My transcription from hearing this song on Spotify. You can also hear a live performance on YouTube:


NO MORE FRYING BACON
As recorded by The Young'uns on "Man, I Feel Like a Young'un" (2010)

1. I'll tell yous a tale of a silly old man
Who confiscated all the frying pans.
No more frying bacon, you silly old man!

CHORUS: He was mistaken
About the bacon,
And now our poor bellies they are achin'.
No more frying bacon, you silly old man!

2. Good queen Bess sat on the throne
And she ruled England all on her own.
No more frying bacon, you silly old man! CHORUS

3. England was at war with Spain
And the silly old man he went insane.
No more frying bacon, you silly old man! CHORUS

4. For he did ever his beacon light,
Which gave ev'ryone such a great big fright.
No more frying bacon, you silly old man! CHORUS

5. Good Queen Bess she tried to please,
But the silly old man he could not read.
No more frying bacon, you silly old man! CHORUS

6. [Spoken] For she wrote: "Please don't fire the beacon"
But he thought it said: "Don't fry the bacon."
You silly old man!

7. So all because of the silly old man
Hartlepool had a frying-pan ban,
No more frying bacon, you silly old man! CHORUS

No more frying bacon, you silly old man!


From The Whitby Repository, or Album of local literature, Volume 1, New Series (Whitby: William King, 1867), page 286:

Hartlepool without a Frying Pan!

Formerly—in the stirring times—Hartlepool kept its beacon ready for setting ablaze when requisite. On sight of a suspicious sail in the bay, it was fired and its red glare was instantly seen along the coast both North and South. The whole of Tees Bay and Cleveland coast was thus informed the enemy was at hand. As soon as the ruddy glare was perceived through the darkness, the church bells were set agoing—the authorities astir,—the peasantry mustered in arms and the gentry on horseback in armour. Cattle were driven inland for greater safety, and valuables removed &c., &c. Whether the Hartlepoolites were then a timorous people, is not stated, but it appears the beacon was fired too often, causing unnecessary alarm, and great complaints from the hardy Cleveland yeomen and others, who had the trouble of driving their cattle for miles on several false alarms.

Complaints were made to government, and an order came down prohibiting Hartlepool from "firing any beacon in future." The order like the generality of government papers, was hurriedly written, and in addition to its poor calligraphy, the chief magistrate was an illiterate man, and read it as a prohibition of "Frying any bacon in future!" He duly considered the dispatch, and to make sure of the order being obeyed, went round the town with a cart and took possession of all frying pans and gridirons and locked the collected articles up in St. Hilda's Church!