Don't get me started on those extendable retractable dog leads. They should be banned. Along with their dogs. And their owners.

No, I relent. Any dog that signs a form, fully witnessed, that states that it promises never to shit except on its owner's own carpet is exempt from the ban. Not that bloody lead though. The ban stays for that lead.

Funniest and most fitting thing I ever saw apropos of a dog and its lead was in Bude. This thuggish-looking bloke had one of those massive terriers, of the type that Mugabe probably had guarding his palace and that eats babies for breakfast, on a chunky metal chain lead. I walked past 'em with a carrier bag full of sausages I'd just bought from the butcher. The cur took a sudden interest, whipped round the back of the bloke's legs to get at me bangers, wrapping the chain round his legs and promptly decking him. The dog actually looked very guilty and apologetic...