hi your maj..
hello mr trump, i understand you are here to learn what you can gain from our country. our country of which we are of course very proud.
well... not really - i'm here to make amurca and me even greater and to tell you guys how to behave

yes, of course, well we thought so and to help you to do just that here are some very valued friends of ours - (you may already know ) -sir billy, our national treasure and my best friend jo brand and top tennis player andy murray.

hey... let me tell you ....i'm....

yes. mr trump that's all very well but billy has someone you would maybe like to meet.
hello you, crazy old orange man, i know this old guy who used to knw your maw. old ben, lives in a beach hut on the northern coast. he's keen to meet you.... he knows all about the stars and that and really what's important.
do i have to go?
yes, you do, you fanny, you may learn something....about life,burt lancaster, the importance of oil, the universe and your mum when she was young......
ok

tale that stupit tie aff

sorry that helicopter was a wee bit bumpy eh......but only a minor wee stroke - at the aberdeen royal infirmary we do several of these days every day. you 'll be here for a few days

i can afford it, nurse...? nurse... sorry i can't read, he slurred

the name's brand. nurse jo brand

no need - we paid for you already.could get expensive otherwise. here, answer me these questions

who's the PM?

boris johnson?

how many people are declared bankrupt by their inability to pay medical bills in the UK? germany? france? canada? Japan? etc?
hell,i don't know that shit...
it's 0,0, 0, 0, 0, etc sorry, how many people are bankrupted in your country?
hell, i don't know ...
643, 000
(well,i think that's what my wife told me this am -pete)

andy murray from dunblane is here to talk to you about guns and the school children in your country , mr trump.....mr trump? you ok?

obviously i'm just being a bit daft here but ffs surely our relationship with any country is a 2 way street. or in this case a one way street - we have nothing at all to learn from america and certainly not from donald trump. we should be sitting him down somewhere very quiet and getting people (like carolyn lucas eg) to give him a good talking to.

do you want to be the best president ever? it's peace, it's gun control it's a comprehensive health care system, tackling climate change and meeting peter tatchell. he's only an orangeman- even gerry adams could talk good sense into him. he may as well get something positive out of his visit. i don't awnt him down my local though