Finally found it! It was mislabeled at the Internet Archive as "You Never Get Anywhere Holding Hands." Here's my transcription of the complete song. I have omitted some patter at the beginning:


YOU NEVER GET NOWHERE HOLDING HANDS
Words and music by Howard Johnson, Maurice Sturm and Walter C. Ness, ©1927
As recorded by Billy Jones and Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys), 1927.

VERSE: Holding hands used to be
Quite a nice novelty,
But, Bill, it makes me sick.
It hasn't any kick.
At a dance you can see
Every she and every he,
They're holding hands till dawn
Until the thrill is gone.

CHORUS: Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.
Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere with your plans.
What good is pressing fingertips?
I'd rather press two ruby lips.
Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.

CHORUS: Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.
You never get nowhere, never get nowhere with your plans.
Today it keeps a fellow poor
To go and get a manicure.
You never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.

VERSE: Here and there and ev'rywhere
You can see loving pairs.
They hold hands night and day,
But it's quite passé.
Now after dark, in the park,
Some folks think it's a lark,
But though they think it's great,
To me it's out of date.

CHORUS: Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.
Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere with your plans.
I tried it with a sweet young thing
—And then you felt her wedding ring.
You never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.

CHORUS: Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.
You never get nowhere, never get nowhere with your plans.
Today you squeeze a girlie's mitt,
It's callused 'cause she's used to it.
You never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.

CHORUS: Oh, you never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.
Anyone here that's ever played poker understands.
You hold a full house, then you find
The other guy has four of a kind.
You never get nowhere, never get nowhere holding hands.