Well, my new book, Tom Jones, Space Stud Muffin, isn't selling very well. The publisher is using the unsold copies (i.e., all of the print run) to heat the boilers for the printing press and has recycled the type, which has been shipped to Hawai'i and thrown in that erupting volcano. All pixels and electronic stuff that were in any way involved, even the wire and/or fiber which carried anything related to it, have been electronically destroyed and any hard drive has been melted by an application of thermite. This was all done at the advice of the reviewers ("I gouged my own eyes out after reading this! A lobotomy, please!" -- NY Times; "Over a thousand pages of paper that can be worked to be softer than Charmin" -- Inkom Courier).

So much for my Booker and Nobel prizes.