My New Song

I learned to sing a brand new song
Learned it well and felt so proud
But all my dreams would turn to ashes
When I went along to that singaround

I practised hard, both night and day
Memorised the words on every page
It sounded so good in the bathroom
And now the world would be my stage

As I went into that crowded room
I felt wound up like a coiled spring
But when I’d sat down in that circle
I did a very stupid thing

I sat in the only empty place
Where the turn to sing had just moved past
Now I’d have to sit around for hours
Oh woe is me ! Oh, damn and blast

It started with a gruesome murder ballad
Which ended on the gallows high
But not till after 42 verses
When it was done, I heaved a sigh

Then some pissed up clown
Started a sea shanty
With a drunken chorus nine times or ten
By the time he’d reached the Bay of Biscay
He forgot the words and had to start again.

Then an intense young man with a Takamine
Bared his soul to all in a song he’d written so deep
All about a failed relationship
I think I must have fallen asleep.

Then a rather large Scottish lady
Did and introduction
That was even longer than the song,
The it's “oooaaaah whoooaaaaant' ye gan to the heeeeeels, laddie?”
Another half an hour and we moved on!

And several more painful dirges later
When things had sunk to an all time low
From under a seat appears a melodeon
Just wind him up and off he’ll go

And then this bloke waltzes in and sits down
He arrived at least two hours after me
He must be up the organiser’s backside
‘Cos he gets to sing almost straight away

And once again it was a marathon performance
As despondency filled up the room
Till someone did a Leonard Cohen song
Just to lighten up the gloom

It was my turn at last after an eternity
I said “Oh, is it me?”, take a deep breath
Now is my chance for retribution
I’ll make sure I get my pound of flesh

        I’ll make this song go on forever
Stretch every syll-a-ble -and line
I’ll get my own back on those bastards
That kept me waiting all that time
I’ll go slow, so very slow,,
And oh so slow, so very slow...

        I’ll sing so loud I’ll give them earache
        Let them know my time has come
They can forget about the beer break
As no-one’s moving till I’m done

And as for those who carry on talking
Or crunching crisps at them I’ll glare
And as for going to the toilet
        I’ll just say ”don’t you bloody dare”

        I’ll make this song go on forever
Stress every syllable and line
I’ll get my own back on those bastards
That kept me waiting all that time
I’ll go slow, so very slow, and even more slow,
Very slow........