And here's the health-conscious Erchie Cathcairt.
If you're wondering what "Eldo" is, it's short for Eldorado, which was a rather cheap wine on sale in the 60s and 70s!


ERCHIE CATHCAIRT by Adam McNaughtan
(from 'Last Stand At Mount Florida')

Ah'll tell you the story o' Erchie Cathcairt
A fella who aye took good care o' his hert
Ah don’t mean in terms o' romance and its issues
Naw Erchie took care tae avoid fatty tissues.

He read books oan stress and he read books oan diet
And made sure his hert was well nourished and quiet
As soon as he found oot that fags were a threat
He said “Erchie Cathcairt's smoked his last cigarette”.

And no just himself - he'd a smoke-free abode
Fags were banned fae his flat in Victoria Road
When his chain-smokin’ pals said, that wis too hard eh him
He said “You look efter yer ain pericardium”.

Oan Glesga's Soo’ Side the air disnae' come near
The EEC’s requirement fur clean atmosphere
So whenever he ventured ootside his ain close
Cathcairt wore a mask ower his mooth and his nose.

Cos joggin wis good fur reducing yer weight
He'd jog everywhere even tae the Gateway
Where he bought low fat mulk and high fibre breid
Yon loaves that are covered in caraway seed.

Then fresh fruit and veg and when he had peyed
He'd jog away hame wi a bag oan each side
When he read o' the good-herted Glesga campaign
He signed oan at wance wae nae sign o' delay'n’.

About his blood pressure he hadnae a qualm
And his weight matched his height tae the last milligram
But his doctor consulting a chart on the wall
Says “You’re two points too high in your cholesterol.”

”But there's no need to worry just cut out dessert”
”Ah never eat pudding” says Erchie Cathcairt.
He jogged away hame in the depth o' despair
Efter ten years o' Muesli whit could he dae mair?

Then he read in the papers some scientist say
How yer hert can be helped wi’ twa aspirins a day
And the very next moarnin the Herald declare't
Drinkin' wine wae yer meal must be good for yer hert.

”Eureka !” cried Erchie “the method tae beat ‘em all”
”Is a wee gless o' Eldo and two paracetamol”
But he thought since his hale life he's aye been teeto”al
Wan gless widnae dae so he drank the hale boa”le.

Then oan wae his Reeboks doonstairs he did flee
Right in front o' a bus number 44B
It knocked him six metres a terrible sight
But the autopsy showed his cholesterol wis right.

It wis some consolation tae his family physician
That he died with his hert in a perfect condition

They say that small troubles are sent here to try ye
They tell ye whit’s fur ye will never go by ye
If yer names oan the bullet ye wulnae be spairt
He wis hit by a bus that was bound fur Cathcairt.