One thing that characterizes haiku, in addition to syllable count, is that there is supposed to be a "leap" somewhere in the poem, from one thought or level or emotion or realm to another. (Think of the feeling you get when you discover as you go downstairs that what you thought was the floor was actually the last step.) That "leap" is really the essence of the poem. Or so says my Jewish/Buddhist writer/teacher/friend, Natalie Goldberg. Of course, I suppose in this case we could modify it to a sort of a stagger. Brilliant, Amos, I love 'em!

Aloha,
Mark