The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #165859   Message #3983188
Posted By: Vic Smith
19-Mar-19 - 04:22 PM
Thread Name: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
Subject: The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch
The Dead Brexit Plan Sketch

(Scene: The House of Commons All the members enter in one huge group)
Members: 'Ello, We wish to register a complaint.
(The PM does not respond.)
Members (all speaking together): 'Ello, Miss?
Prime Minister: What do you mean "miss"?
M: We're sorry, We have colds. We wish to make a complaint!
PM: We're closin' for the Easter recess.
M: Never mind that, my PM. We wish to complain about this Brexit plan which you have already brought twice to this very House of Commons.
PM: Oh yes, the, uh, the Not The Norwegian Blue Plan...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
M: We'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
PM: No, no, it's uh,...it's.... waiting for a majority.
M: Look, matey, We know a dead Brexit Plan when we see one, and we're looking at one right now.
PM: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable plan , the Not the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful wordage!
M: The wordage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
PM: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
M: All right then, if It's restin', we'll wake it up by voting on it!
(They vote. The Not the Norwegian Blue Plan fails by over 200 votes)
'Ello, Mister Not The Norwegian Blue Plan! I've got a lovely lobby for you to pass through if you show...(PM hits the Plan)
PM: There, he moved!
M: No, it didn't, that was you trying to fiddle the DUP votes!
PM: I never!!
M: Yes, you did!
PM: I never, never did anything...
M: (yelling and hitting the Brexit plan repeatedly) 'ELLO BREXIT PLAN!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your seven o'clock voting bell!
(Members takes the plan out of its box and thump it on the mace. They throw it up in the air and watch as it plummets to the floor.)
M: Now that's what we call a dead plan.
PM: No, no.....No, it's just waiting for me to go the Brussels again to get more concessions!
M: MORE CONCESSIONS?!?
PM : Yeah! You voted him down, just as he was wakin' up! Not the Norwegian Blues are voted down easily, major.
M: Um...now look...now look, mate, We've definitely 'ad enough of this. That plan is definitely deceased, and when we voted on a second time not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following prolonged flights back and forwards to Brussels.
PM: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
M: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on his back twice the moment we voted on it?
PM: The Norwegian Blue plan prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable plan, id'nit, squire? Lovely wordage!
M: Look, We took the liberty of examining that plan during two fill day debate, and we discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on the woolpack in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
PM: No no! it'ss pining!
M: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the woolsack it's be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-PLAN!!

PM: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (PM looks for a replacement) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of plans.
M: Ww see. We see, We get the picture.
PM: I got a No Deal Exit.
(pause)
M: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it work?
PM: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

M: We're not prepared to pursue this line of inquiry any longer as we think this is getting too silly!
JOHN BERCOW: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...