John willmott, Earl of Rochester's take on the subject
Jim Carroll

Signior Dildo [c. Dec. 1673]
The occasion of this satirical lyric is the marriage of James, Duke of York, to Mary of Modena. After a proxy wedding in her native Italy, the new Duchess and her entourage crossed the Channel on 21 November 1673 to Dover, where the Duke met her and repeated the marriage ceremony. The ducal party reached London on 26 November.

You ladies all of merry England
Who have been to kiss the Duchess’s hand,
Pray, did you lately observe in the show
A noble Italian called Signior Dildo?

This signior was one of Her Highness’s train,        
And helped to conduct her over the main;
But now she cries out, “To the Duke I will go!
I have no more need for Signior Dildo.”

At the Sign of the Cross in St. James’s Street,
When next you go thither to make yourselves sweet        
By buying of powder, gloves, essence, or so,
You may chance t’ get a sight of Signior Dildo.

You’ll take him at first for no person of note
Because he appears in a plain leather coat,
But when you his virtuous abilities know,        
You’ll fall down and worship Signior Dildo.

My Lady Southesk, heavens prosper her for’t!
First clothed him in satin, then brought him to Court;
But his head in the circle he scarcely durst show,
So modest a youth was Signior Dildo.

The good Lady Suffolk, thinking no harm,
Had got this poor stranger hid under her arm.
Lady Betty by chance came the secret to know,
And from her own mother stole Signior Dildo.

The Countess of Falmouth, of whom people tell
Her footmen wear shirts of a guinea an ell,
Might save the expense if she did but know
How lusty a swinger is Signior Dildo.

By the help of this gallant the countess of Ralph
Against the fierce Harrys preserved herself safe.        

She stifled him almost beneath her pillow,
So closely sh’ embraced Signior Dildo.

Our dainty fine duchesses have got a trick
To dote on a fool for the sake of his prick:
The fops were undone, did Their Graces but know        
The discretion and vigor of Signior Dildo.

That pattern of virtue, Her Grace of Cleveland,
Has swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand;
But by rubbing and scrubbing so large it does grow,
It is fit for just nothing but Signior Dildo.        

The Duchess of Modena, though she looks high,
With such a gallant is contented to lie,
And for fear the English her secrets should know,
For a Gentleman Usher took Signior Dildo.

The countess o’ th’ Cockpit (Who knows not her name?
She’s famous in story for a killing dame),
When all her old lovers forsake her, I trow
She’ll then be contented with Signior Dildo.

Red Howard, red Sheldon, and Temple so tall
Complain of his absence so long from Whitehall
Signior Bernard has promised a journey to go
And bring back his countryman Signior Dildo.

Doll Howard no longer with’s Highness must range,
And therefore is proffered this civil exchange:
Her teeth being rotten, she smells best below,        
And needs must be fitted for Signior Dildo.

St. Albans, with wrinkles and smiles in his face,
Whose kindness to strangers becomes his high place,
In his coach and six horses is gone to Borgo
To take the fresh air with Signior Dildo.

Were this signior but known to the citizen fops,
He’d keep their fine wives from the foremen of shops;
But the rascals deserve their horns should still grow
For burning the Pope and his nephew Dildo.

Tom Killigrew’s wife, north Holland’s fine flower,        
At the sight of this signior did fart and belch sour,
And her Dutch breeding farther to show,
Says, “Welcome to England, Mynheer Van Dildo!”

He civilly came to the Cockpit one night,
And proffered his service to fair Madam Knight.        
Quoth she, “I intrigue with Captain Cazzo;
Your nose in mine arse, good Signior Dildo!”

This signior is sound, safe, ready, and dumb
As ever was candle, carrot, or thumb;
Then away with these nasty devices, and show        
How you rate the just merits of Signior Dildo.

Count Cazzo, who carries his nose very high,
In passion he swore his rival should die;
Then shut up himself to let the world know
Flesh and blood could not bear it from Signior Dildo.        

A rabble of pricks who were welcome before,
Now finding the Porter denied ’em the door,
Maliciously waited his coming below
And inhumanly fell on Signior Dildo.

Nigh wearied out, the poor stranger did fly,        
And along the Pall Mall they followed full cry;
The women, concerned, from every window
Cried, “Oh! for heavens’ sake, save Signior Dildo!”

The good Lady Sandys burst into a laughter
To see how the ballocks came wobbling after,        
And had not their weight retarded the foe,
Indeed’t had gone hard with Signior Dildo.