And Maggie's "territory marking" is a lovely euphemism for pissing up lamp posts and on my car wheels. The sort of thing that I'd be arrested for if I tried it. One law for me, one law for curs. And, annoyingly, I pay my taxes and dogs don't.

And somebody in Bude has an all-white poodle. Well I say all-white, except that it has a roughly circular area around its anus that's pale brown. I tell you, I'd sooner hack off my danglies with a rusty machete than have that thing sitting on my lap.