The song is copyright to Stephen Sedley and was written in 1966. According to the notes on the song, he was the Folk Critic of The London Tribune at the time. I have sung it since the mid-1970s and it still raises a laugh with the audience joining in the refrain at the end of each verse.

It appears in “Songs of Our Time From The English Folk Scene “ printed in 1967 by Oak Publications, 701, Seventh Avenue, New York, NY. The songbook was produced for Heathside Music by Sing Productions. Compton Cottage, Crescent Lane, Clapham Common, London, UK.


Oh me name is Charlie Arkwright, I’m an easy-going bloke.
I was fit and healthy till they put me in the Poke
Now I’ve lost me teeth, an eye and an ear, and one of me arms is broke
I’ve been helping the police with their enquiries.

I was walking down the street, on me plates of meat,
When round the corner comes a copper,
I sez, “Well how’d yer do?” He sez “I’m nicking you,
For being in possession of a chopper.”
I sez, “What do yer mean, a chopper? I ain’t got one at all”
“You will ‘ave,” he sez, “when I’ve got you up against the station wall
And I wouldn’t be surprised” he sez, “To find that isn’t all,
Once you’re helping the police with their enquiries.”

Well he grabbed me arm and he bust it and he said “Well now you see.
That’s what happens when you resist arrest.”
“I never moved,” sez I. “That’s true enough,” sez he.
“But you might ‘ave ‘ad done, if I hadn’t ‘ave clobbered yer first.”
So he took me down to the station and he put me in a cell
He brought along a chopper and a length of hose as well
He sez, “If these ain’t down to you, I’ll knock yer face to hell.
You’ll be helping the police with their enquiries.”

Well he clobbered me on the spot, then he dun me for the lot
Offensive weapon and bashing the police.
I told the judge, next day, I’d been framed in every way.
And all I wanted was me bit of peace.
But the judge he said “You’re barmy. You need a prison cell.”
So he sent me down to the nuthouse and it's here that I do dwell
The only thing that spoils it is the copper’s here as well
He’s been helping the police with their enquiries.