But my dog doesn’t jump up on the kitchen worktops, and lick his arse where food is prepared. And he doesn’t jump up at the table or on the furniture because, unlike a cat, you can train a dog not to do that kind of thing, exactly as you can train them not to urinate or defecate indoors.

I really don’t know why you keep rabitting on about ‘unhygienic’ dogs - cats are ‘unhygienic’ too. One of the spawn of Satan that my first wife and I had was in the habit of attacking anyone who attempted to pet it, including me on a number of occasions. One time, the little bastard got teeth and claws in the back of my hand, and wouldn’t let go - the result being a large gash, the scar of which is still visible over thirty years later. Living next door to our local hospital, i nipped across to A & E, and the nurse cleaned and (wrongly, it turned out) stitched it. A week later, my hand had swelled like a balloon and hurt like hell, so I went back to A & E and saw a doctor, who said that cat bites should never be stitched because cats mouths are filthy and incredibly germ-laden and, no matter how much the wound is cleaned, there will still be germs in there, and stitching just seals them in and allows them to go crazy.

And don’t get me started about those bloody disgusting litter-trays cat-lovers seem to think are OK to have by the back door to make visitors feel bilious...