The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #167099   Message #4047817
Posted By: Jim Carroll
23-Apr-20 - 08:22 AM
Thread Name: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
"Wooden leg"
Reminds me of a local character nicknamed 'Timber Tony' because of having lost his leg
He was chatting up an American visitor in the local nar when she asked him why he was called that'
Not replying, he placed his foot on a nearby chair, took out a penknife and began driving the point into his calf
She took the next stage out of town

Which reminds me of a story recorded by my mate, Denis Turner, back in the 1960s
This can be heard with other stories on an album of traditional storytelling I once put together for EFDSS '...and that's my Story'
It's now been long unavailable but if anybody wants it - send an e-mail address

DICKIE BITHELL AND THE KICKING MATCH Jack Oakes Bolton, Lancashire, England
Years ago there used to be kicking matches and they used stand up and put their 'ands on their shoulders, 'bout a yard apart, and they used kick at then-shins wi' clogs on. And, er .... owd Dickie Bithell was the champion of Wigan.
And this stranger came, came in this pub this 'ere day. So they had a game of dominoes and then they started talking about these kicking matches. So me dad says, "Well, owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire." So this feller kept quiet. So me dad said again, "Owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire."
So this feller's turned round to me dad, he says: "If you'll give me the first kickin', I'll have a go at owd Dickie."
Owd Dickie says, "Right, put your two pound down." So this stranger puts two pound down. So they go outside in a field and they stand up together and bate of one another's shoulders, arm's length. So this stranger takes the first kick -1 wish I could show you - and he kicks owd Dickie. Well owd Dickie goes rigid hisself to take the strain. So owd Dickie had his kick; so he kicks the stranger and the stranger did the same; take the strain.
So he carried on four or five times. So owd Dickie turned round to me dad, he said, "This stranger's no mug; he's a fair 'un."
"Go on, cany on Dickie", me dad said. So he carried on three or four more times.
Owd Dickie says, "I'm finished; he's too good. Give him the money." So me dad, looking at owd Dickie's legs, there were blood, snot and 'air hanging down his leg, he were in a bad way, you know.
So he says, "All right, give him the money."
So they said to t'other feller, "Let's have a look at your leg." When they looked at his leg, he'd a wooden leg. So they took the two pound off him and clear him out of pub.

Recorded by Denis Turner, 1966.
The ’sport’ of kicking appears to have been popular throughout England until comparatively recent times. We have been told that, in Norfolk, contestants would sit on opposite sides of a pub table and take turns at kicking each other's shins until one gave up. The contest is all the more vicious in Jack Oakes' story as the clogs the combatants wore would have been metal tipped. Dickie Bithell would seem to have been a local character; Mr. Oakes had a number of stories about him.