Yup, LH. I spent a good chunk of tears time last night on that very thing. I encountered the full, unfiltered realization that among all the people I know, each has their own very specific version of who I am supposed to be with and for them, and I realized that none of those versions had a whole lot of correspondence to me, my actual self. Or to the directions I know I need to head in to keep growing, or to what I value, what I expect of myself. It was quite sobering and very, very lonely-fying. I know I donp;t have to be govenred by all those expecations-- but it is frightening to see all at once how many of them I had been TRYING to meet, and all the unhooking necessary to start fresh. And I've been fairly rough in my speech all day as I take that in and process it and let it reach the deeps where it can integrate with the rest of the soup. Oh well. God save me from the fragile when this mood strikes, as it does a few times a year apparently. Remember my odd silences and faraway smile at the Moosewood? That's the alternative to speaking my mind. I don't like either, but I haven't discovered how else to be, just yet. Whaddaya thihk, LH-- d'ya think I could get perfect all in one day somehow?And LH, to continue on your line of thought, as soon as I can read minds and anticipate how to make everyone happy at once, I know my life is gonna get a whole lot easier. Of course if people would take up their own inherent power instead of choosing to feel overpowered when they encounter me just being myself to the best of my ability-- which I guess varies from day to day like everyone's-- that would be another possible approach.
And as soon as people start tending to their own honesty instead of judging someone else's, I think all our lives will get simpler. Not saying I think it'll happen soon.
God, LH, I miss you. When you comin' south again?
~S~