The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #168373   Message #4068409
Posted By: Nigel Parsons
14-Aug-20 - 09:14 PM
Thread Name: Song Challenge: The Great Storm is over
Subject: RE: Song Challenge: The Great Storm is over
Here's another verse which needs some editing:

The pandemic has raged throughout this land, (10)
Trump and his cronies have sat on their hands; (10)
Thousands have died, there’s no reprieve, (8)
Leaving behind their loved ones to grieve. (9)


Again syllable count looks short on every line: (see count above)
And though I haven't mentioned it in my earlier comments it would appear that each line of the original is three amphibrachs ( .-.) followed by a dibrach (..) where the dots represent unstressed syllables, and a dash the stress.
It's a bit hard to hit straight off, but once you get a few lines in your head you should be able to 'hear' where the stress is due.
For example, I would stress the second syllable of 'pandemic', so starting a line "the pandemic" delays the stress too far.
As 'pandemic' doesn't necessarily need a positive article (unless you stress the article for effect) a line could just start with 'Pandemic'.

"Pandemic has raged for months throughout this land.
The Trump and his cronies have not raised a hand.
So thousands have died and there's been no reprieve.
Thus leaving their loved ones behind them to grieve.

Also swapping 'not raised a hand' for 'sat on their hands' improves the rhyme with line 1

Hope that will do for starters Charley.