Oh the night was getting getting very late, How I wish I was with Cheryl now, When a phonecall came from my mate Stan, He said come to town I’ll make you a man.
Gosh darn them all, I was told, we’d would cruise the streets, for a maid to hold, sire no sons, drink some beers, now I’m a broke young man on the Sydney pier, for a lass I cry my private tears.
Oh, Stan he said that he knew the town, HOW I WISH I WAS.. and ten great clubs where the ladies went in which our money would be well spent (chorus)
Well Stacey she was a lovely sight, HOW I WISH I WAS . . . She'd a bottle of port and her dress half on and said would I like all my worries gone, (chorus)
I said yes please and she came real close, HOW I WISH I WAS.. Her hand reached down into my pants, She took my phone and ran I had no chance (chorus)
At 11:05 we moved again, HOW I WISH I WAS... When a fit young Yankee hove in sight, We asked if she could spare a light. (chorus)
The Yankee said I don’t smoke your fools, HOW I WISH I WAS... Lung cancer’s an awful way to go, Would she like a drink? She said hell no! (chorus)
Then I spied a lass two tables away, HOW I WISH I WAS . . . I walked over to have chat, Turned out she was a bloke named Pat. (chorus)
The Antelope pub was the last we tried, HOW I WISH I WAS . . . I must have smashed half a dozen kegs, And I can’t stand straight on my own two legs (chorus)
So I can’t get laid in my 33rd year, HOW I WISH I WAS . . . It's been 6 hours since my mate Stan’s call And I haven’t been close to a woman at all.