The TAB Song
John Dengate

Each Saturday morning I crawl out of bed,
Hungover from Friday's excess,
Feeling crook in the comics and crook in the head
And with mountains of sins to confess.
And then I remember it's race day again,
And I collect up my clothes off the floor.
I tune in to Early's selections at ten –
The adrenalin's pumping once more.

[Some insert these lines as a chorus:
At Warwick Farm, Rosehill and Randwick they race,
It's a sign of our moral decay,
But wipe that superior smirk off your face,
I expect a trifecta today.]

I have a snake's hiss, I give breakfast a miss,
Wallet and form guide I grab,
Then I suddenly bolt like a two year old colt
All away down the hill to the Tab.
It's number of units and number of race,
The numbers spin round in my brain,
And I stand there blaspheming and cursing the place,
The biros are broken again.

Oh, the longshots are rough, and the favorites are short,
And I never know what's running dead,
So I ring up my mate, but he got home so late
That his missus won't rouse him from bed.
Beadman could win on a horse made of tin,
So I back everything that he rides,
And the big Melbourne gray is a good thing each way,
And a couple of others besides.

And fellas, quinellas are sometimes a chance,
And doubles are always a go,
So when I walk out I am light in the pants
'Cos the Tab has got most of my dough.

A quick break for grub, then it's into the pub,
And I stand there and weep in my booze,
For the horses I back veer all over the track,
And they lose, and they lose, and they lose.
Oh, seek not escape in the gambling my friend
Though your life may be humdrum and drab.
Seek solace in psalms or in young ladies' arms,
But never go into a Tab.

At Warwick Farm, Rosehill and Randwick they race,
It's a sign of our moral decay,
But wipe that superior smirk off your face,
I expect a trifecta today.

To the tune of Seamus O'Brien, Please Won't You Come Home.
As sung on The Follies of Pollies, also 35 Years of the National
Folk Festival. Many small differences from the version in My Shout.
John would update the names of the radio announcer and the jockey
from time to time.

TAB – off-track betting site.
comics – comic cuts – guts
snake's hiss – piss
biro – brand of ballpoint pen

I couldn't find a recording by John Dengate of this song online. Here's a
recording
by John Thompson.