So, # posted a link to a piece posted in the Sacramento Daily Union from 1860. It's a piece that was widely published at the time. I found a more legible copy at Google Books. Here's my transcription.

ROMEO AND JULIET (Altered).

It was in ancient Italy a deadly hatred grew
Between old Caleb Capulet and Moses Montague;
Now Moses had an only son, a little dapper beau.
The pet of all the pretty girls, by name young Borneo.
And Caleb owned a female girl, just home from boarding school.
Miss Juliet was her Christian name — for short they called her Jule.
To bring the lady out he gave a ball at his plantation.
And thither went young Romeo, without an invitation.
One Tybalt, kinsman to the host, began to growl and pout.
And watched an opportunity to put the fellow out;
But Caleb saw the game and said, "Now, cousin, don't be cross;
Behave yourself or leave the room; are you or I the boss?"
When Juliet saw Romeo his beauty did enchant her;
And Romeo he fell in love with Juliet instanter.
Now, lest their dads should spoil the fun, but little time they tarried.
Away to 'Squire Lawrence sped, and secretly were married.
Oh, cruel fate! that day the groom met Tybalt in the square.
And Tybalt being very drunk, at Romeo did swear.
Then Romeo his weapon drew (a knife of seven blades,
And made a gap in Tibby'a ribs, that sent him to the shades.
The watchman came; he took to flight, down alley, street and square ;
The Charlies ran, o'ertook their man, and took him 'fore the Mayor.
Then spoke the worthy magistrate: (and savagely did frown),
"Young man, you'll have to lose your head, or else vamose the town";
He chose the last, and left his bride in solitude to pine;
"Ah me!" said he, "our honeymoon is nothing but moonshine;"
And then, to make the matter worse, her father did embarrass
By saying she must give her hand to noble County Paris.
"This suitor is a goodly youth; to-day he comes to woo;
If you refuse the gentleman I'll soundly wollop you."
She went to 'Squire Lawrence's cell to know what must be done;
The 'Squire bade her go to bed and take some laudanum.
"'Twill make you sleep and seem as dead ; thus canst thou dodge this blow;
A humbugged man your pa will be — a blest one Romeo."
She drank, she slept, grew wan and cold; they buried her next day.
That she'd piped out her lord got word, far off in Mantua ;
Quoth he, "Of life I've had enough; I'll hire Bluffkin's mule.
Lay in a pint of baldface rum and go to-night to Jule!"
Then rode he to the sepulchre, *mong dead folks, bats and creepers.
And swallowed down the burning dose — when Juliet ope'd her peepers.
"Are you alive, or is't your ghost ? Speak quick, before I go."
"Alive!" she cried, "and kicking, too; art thou my Romeo?"
"It is your Romeo, my faded little blossom;
Oh, Juliet; is it possible that you were acting possum?"
"I was, indeed; now let's go home; pa's spite will have abated;
What ails you, love, you stagger so ; are you intoxicated?"
"No, no, my duck; I took some stuff that caused a little fit;"
He struggled hard to tell her all, but couldn't, so he quit.
In shorter time than't takes a lamb to wag his tail or jump.
Poor Romeo was stiff and pale as any whitewashed pump.
Then Juliet seized that awful knife, and in her bosom stuck it,
Let out a most terrific yell, fell down, and kicked the bucket!

— Anon.


pp 109-110 One Hundred Choice Selections, Number 18, published in 1911 by the Penn Publishing Company, Philadelphia.

Transcribed with help from an OCR from Monologues, Epigrams, Epitaphs, and Parodies, by J.F. Hartman, published in 1910 by George Sully & Co., New York.