THE RULES OF ENGLISH © Bruce Watson. Bruce Watson Music

video - The Rules of English

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This offering is based on the late William Safire’s Rules for Writers, extrapolated and set to music.

Now when I was a boy one was taught English grammar
These days standards have gone down the drain
We had it banged into us, with an unsubtle hammer
And it’s firmly lodged into my brain
There’s a million mistakes that you see people make
Now and then there’s an absolute whopper
So here’s a few tips to avoid future slips
To help you all speak and write proper:

Chorus:
Be sure to never split an infinitive
Don’t use no double negatives
And never generalise, that’s a rule you see everyone break!
Be clear as a bell, profread everythnig well
Be more or less specific, don’t be vague
And (last but not least) avoid clichés like the plague!

It’s incumbent upon us to eschew obfuscation
And where feasible to employ the vernacular
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice
And understatement is absolutely spectacular
Use language that’s inclusive of all men
And here’s something else you should know
The use of foreign words is just not de rigeur
Nor is it apropos

Chorus

Always avoid awkward annoying
Unattractive affected alliteration
Avoidification of George Bushian neologisms
Will strengthenify your prosification
If you see a mixed metaphor take the bull by the horns
And knock it right off of its perch
And vary your words variously
So that you use various words

Chorus

Exaggeration is a trillion zillion times worse
Than just stating the plain simple facts
And use words correctly, irregardless of what others do
To show you’ve got the language knack
The passive voice should always be avoided
Heed should be taken of that suggestion
And what I now ask of all of you is:
“Who needs rhetorical questions?”