This is my favorite of three wonderful stories told by Patrick O'Malley. I believe they were recorded sometime in the fifties. This is one I've been reciting for years though I still haven't got the accent down.


Hebert the Horrible

Now in case you haven't heard of young Herbert,
the fiend who was Pinwinkle's son.
Let me say he's a blight and a fever,
every think you don't like rolled in one.

When he was born Herbert's parents,
was torn between love and remorse.
His Mother had wanted a daughter,
his Father a dog or a Horse.

Every day Herbert brought on more trouble,
by the cute little things that he did.
Till his folks thought that they'd given birth,
to a crime wave instead of a kid.

Pa would contemplate Herb with a shudder
and the sight of him made Ma turn pale.
Till they wondered how they could fix Herbert,
without getting sent to the jail.

Well old Pinwinkle read in the papers,
of kidnappers lurking around.
Who nipped a kid right off his doorstep
and held him for two thousand pounds.

Now this gave Herbert's Pa an idea,
of a way Herbert's spirits to curb.
"If the kidnappers did it to one boy,
why couldn't they do it to Herb?"

So they worked out with pencil and paper,
what they'd save if their son they could loose.
There'd be two shillings daily in victuals,
to say nothing of trousers and shoes.

So Mr. and Mrs. Pinwinkle,
dropped a hint to a journalist friend.
That if the kidnappers made off with Herbert,
there was just nothing that they wouldn't spend.

Well the hint that they dropped reached the papers
and in turn reached the kidnapper's eye
and as business was dull at the season,
they decided to give it a try.

Then Mr. and Mrs. Pinwinkle,
put on Herbert's best Sunday togs
and made him look clean and inviting,
then carefully locked up the dogs.

Then they set Herbert out on the doorstep,
round about half past eight,
with a ten shilling note in his pocket
and a bottle of whiskey for bait.

Bedtime came and still nothing happened,
when a scream interrupted their prayers.
Said Father, "Well there goes our Herbert.
I hope he don't bleed on the stairs."

For a fortnight the Pinwinkles waited,
for a telephone call or a note.
To say, "We're holding your Herbert for ransome,
pay up or we bisect his throat."

Came the end of the month and no Herbert
and Mother said, "Oh deary me,
Herbert must be an angel by this time.
Said Pa, "Aye. Let's have some friends in for tea."

Just then came a ring at the doorbell,
Father hastened to answer the bell
and there on the doorstep stood Herbert,
with a note fastened to his lapel.

He was smiling and rugged and happy.
His cheeks was quite healthy and red.
In one hand was an ear and in the other some hair,
he had torn from a kidnapper's head.

They opened the note and they read it,
"Dear Sir and dear Madam", it went.
"Here's your kid. We've no words that can picture,
the horrible month we have spent."

"He gnawed off the thumb of the captian
and sewed all the men's eyelids shut.
Then he carved his intitials on my hairy chest
and then he rubbed salt in the cut."

"We deserve to hung we admit it,
for the various crimes we have did
and besides we deserve to be quartered and drawn
but we don't deserve Herbert your kid."

"He's something a buzzard won't sniff at.
He's something a dog wouldn't bite.
Please accept fifty pounds. Take him back off our hands.
He's yours. Heaven help you. Goodnight.


Now that's story tellin'!^^