OK, this one needs a bit of background, unless you're already familiar with the plot of Child Ballad 31, "The Marriage of Sir Gawain".

Here's a summary:
Arthur, apparently some day after Christmas, had been encountered at Tarn Wadling, in the forest of Inglewood, by a bold baron armed with a club, who offered him the choice of fighting, or ransoming himself by coming back on New Year's day and bringing word what women most desire. Arthur puts this question in all quarters, and having collected many answers, in which, possibly, he had little confidence, he rides to keep his day. On the way he meets a frightfully ugly woman; she intimates that she could help him. Arthur promises her Gawain in marriage, if she will, and she imparts to him the right answer. Arthur finds the baron waiting for him at the tarn, and presents first the answers which he had collected and written down. These are contemptuously rejected. Arthur then says that he had met a lady on a moor, who had told him that a woman would have her will. The baron says that the misshapen lady on the moor was his sister, and he will burn her if he can get hold of her. Upon Arthur's return he tells his knights that he has a wife for one of them, and they ride with the king to see her, or perhaps for her to make her choice. When they see the bride, they decline the match in vehement terms, all but Gawain, who is somehow led to waive "a little foul sight and misliking." She is bedded in all her repulsiveness, and turns to a beautiful young woman. To try Gawain's compliance further, she asks him whether he will have her in this likeness by night only or only by day. Putting aside his own preference, Gawain leaves the choice to her, and this is all that is needed to keep her perpetually beautiful. For a stepmother had witched her to go on the wild moor in that fiendly shape until she should meet some knight who would let her have all her will. Her brother, under a like spell, was to challenge men either to fight with him at odds or to answer his hard question. (source – and more info – here: http://71.174.62.16/Demo/LongerHarvest?Text=ChildRef_31 – part of an extremely useful index of the Child Ballads by Ed de Moel)

With that out of the way, here are the words for my re-working of Child 31. I call it "Sir Gav Gets Hitched" ;-).

Sir Gav Gets Hitched
©Vikki Appleton Fielden

"Hey Arfur," said his cousin Gav
"You're lookin' kinda down
Is something wrong? What happened when
You partied in Carlisle town?"
"Oh Gavin, you would not believe
The trouble I am in
I got so drunk I made a bet
I don't think I can win

"Some spotty kid harassed me and when
He threw down the gauntlet
I could not resist, and said
I knew what women wan-ted
"I've really no idea, of course
There is no man who does
But I'll be bankrupt if I don't
Give him an answer, cuz"

But Gavin said, "Do not lose hope
No point in being bitter
Just ask your friends – the female ones
On Facebook and on Twitter"
So Arfur took this good advice
And of women did inquire, all
Before he went to bed that night
And of course his post went viral

So many answers did he get
And no two were the same
But one did stand out from the rest
For its author did proclaim,
"I know who asked this question, Guv
I know the answer, too
But I want something in return:
A man who will be true"

Although she looked a little fey
Our man said, "You're in luck
Me cousin Gav's a lovely guy
I'm sure you'll want to... marry!"
She told him just what words to say
And off he went to meet
The spotty kid on New Year's Day
On a dark, deserted street

He tried some other answers first
His cousin for to spare
But in the end it was no use
And so he did declare (big breath)
The thing that women really want
Should not come as a shock, it's
Simply to have their own will –
And dresses that have pockets!

His enemy said things obscene
And proceeded to complain
"I bet my bloody sister snitched
She really is a pain
Although I'm bound to let you go
You now are in her debt
But if I get my hands on her,
Her words she will regret"

Then Arfur and his crew rejoiced
And went to see this dame
With Gav in tow, to be her beau
His passion to proclaim
When they arrived they were surprised
For there in scarlet clad
The bride-to-be they did agree
Was a very lovely lad

Sir Kay exclaimed in great dismay
But Sir Gav said "Don't be cruel.
I think you'll find I'm so inclined
And everything is cool."
The bride did coo "Now will you choose
For what fate am I bound?
A lass by day, and a lad at night –
Or the other way around?"

Then Gav replied "I cannot decide
For I'm happy either way
And was it you I walked beside
At the Pride March Saturday?"
"Oh, yes," they said, "and with those words
You have made things better still,
For you have healed my mother's curse
When you gave me all my will."

And now these two are so in love
It is time to end this tale
Let us all be kind to those we find
And may love never fail
And if someone should ask you what
A woman's heart requires
Just remember that it's pockets in
A dress she most desires

You can hear it here: https://soundcloud.com/user-878817332/sir-gav-gets-hitched-child-ballad-31

Superb medieval-sounding guitar part devised and played by the excellent Lynne Morley.
All other instruments played by the brilliant Jon Loomes, who also engineered the sound.
BIG thanks to Lynne & Jon for making this track sound so fabulously medieval! They're both also on SoundCloud, so do check them out.

Note: This was written for Thank Goodness It's Folk, Sheffield's wonderful local folk radio show, at the request of James Fagan, for their weekly spot which focuses on a different Child Ballad each week (brilliantly named "Friday's Child", because the programme airs every Friday). There are some ballads that have not been recorded much/at all, and/or have some problematic content, so James put out a call to see if anyone could help out by writing/recording new versions (starting with Child 30, "King Arthur and King Cornwall", which resulted in some excellent new songs/interpretations). James suggested I have a go at Child 31 the following week (I think because it's a bit misogynistic), put me in touch with Jon Loomes, and this song was the result.