One of the best I ever heard was from Eric Bogle, on his UK farewell tour, playing in Scotland. 2 very large guys arrived rather late in the first half of his concert; had to literally climb over other people in the front row to get to their seats right under Eric’s nose.
He stopped playing and addressed these 2 gents: “Well guys, I’ve come all the way from Australia and I got here on time: what kept you??”