Get a grip, yanks, you're simply confirming the stereotype...

A couple from the great Tommy Cooper:

I went to the doctor and told him that I thought I was becoming a kleptomaniac. The doc said, here, take these tablets and if you're no better in a week bring me a colour TV...


I said to the waiter, hey, this chicken you brought me is stone cold. He said, I'm not surprised - it's been dead for two weeks...