Jim Keays Gander

Fiddle player and traditional singer Jim Smith, of Clongreen, Co.Wexford, wrote this lighthearted and amusing ballad. It is generally accepted as a reply to Jack McCutchen’s famous 1983 ballad, The Templetown Goose. I collected this song from John O Byrne at Fleadh in Listowl.

JIM KEYS GANDER
(Jim Smith)

Jim Keays had a gander, the bane of his life
That gave him more trouble than a contrary wife.
He made up his mind his soul searching was great,
This bird would be adopted or he’d emigrate.

It was Tommy Colfer that bred this fine bird
When he sold him to Jim sure he gave him his word
But Jim’s son Mick wasn’t really amused, saying
“What good is a gander when you haven’t a goose?”

They built a high fence around the garden at home,
In case that this bird would have notions to roam
But there in his compound he felt rather sad,
He had no one to share the quare notions he had.

Early one morning when feeding time came
Jim noticed his bird was a little bit lame
He knew straightaway that some help he should get
So he ran up to Kehoe’s and he rang for the vet.

The veterinary surgeon came later that day.
He checked out the bird, said, “His heart is OK”
His blood pressure normal his lungs were still free
And his bowels and his kidneys seem alright to me”.

“There’s one little problem,” said the vet with a sigh
He’s only one stone and he’s blind in one eye
It’s hard to perform when you have only one stone
And It’s worse when a gander can’t see where he’s going.”

“There is one consolation,” the vet said to Jim
“In London they might do a transplant on him
The medical service in England is great
And they might find some gander his stones to donate.”

“You must think now,” said Jim I’ve more money than sense
Sure a poor man like me, couldn’t meet that expense
He’s not stopping here if he’s no good at stud,
And feck Tommy Colfer he sold me a dud.

“With vet’s bills and feeding me pockets are slack,
I’ll sell says he to my friend Aidan Mack,
He can train with the greyhounds and help them get fit
With the tourists in summer he might be a hit.”

Now Aidan McDonagh, he runs a lounge bar
And many’s the local drops in for a jar
Says Jim “I’ve a bird he’s the best in Goff’s Bridge,
And maybe next Christmas he’d fill up your fridge.”

The bargain was made it was signed up and sealed,
But the price they agreed on was never revealed,
“I’ll feed him” said Aidan “On Williams sliced pan
With a few pints of Guinness to wash down the bran”

Now the months they went by but he didn’t get fat
He ate like a horse he was thin as a lath.
“I’ve fed him said Aidan, “I can’t do any more
I’ll banish this bird to the sweet river Nore.”

Himself and Tom Dunne and excursion did plan
And they loaded the gander into the back of a van
While Aidan went in to get Tommy a fag,
Tom had the gander tied up in a Bag

Off on their Journey the couple did steer
With Aidan the pilot and Tom in the rear
But somehow the gander got loose from the sack
And he sickened poor Dunne with a belt in the back.

Well now that he’s free like the Birmingham six
Wherever he goes he’ll be up to his tricks
There’s no eel or no trout will be safe anymore
With Jim Keay’s gander set free on the Nore.

And if ever again he should come back this way
We’ll know soon enough if he’s straight or he’s gay,
But the first place you’ll find him now that he’s loose
Is down in Dollar Bay with the Templetown Goose



NB. When I sing this song I sometimes change the personal names to ones That ere more familiar in the location that I am singing in