THE FUTURE VARIETY SHOW
 Words and music by R.P. Weston & Bert Lee - 1917
Performed by Ernest Hastings


They're going to reform the Variety Show
They say the the songs are a little so-so
No artiste in future must even allude
To girls climbing buses or anything rude.

Oh, Oh, the future Variety Show
Will be so nice and refined
They'll have to pay people to go
And dear Brother Robey with nose painted white
Will warble that ditty 'My drink's water bright'
Putting plenty of spirit in every night
At the future Variety Show.

Oh, Oh, the future Variety Show
You'll see the bishops in the stalls
Their faces with pleasure will glow
And sweet Sister Lloyd, our Marie forsooth
Won't ogle the boys and show her gold tooth
And her songs will be written by General Booth
At the future Variety Show.

The future review girl will wear a long gown
With weights at the bottom to keep it well down
And no West End manager ever will dare
To bring on a table with legs that are bare

Refrain: Oh, Oh, the future Variety Show
That boy won't shout 'Good-bye Papa'
When the motor refuses to go
He'll be more polite to his Pa, Mister Tate
And his bandy-legged boy I'm requested to state
Won't be allowed 'cos they say he's not straight
At the future Variety Show

Oh, Oh, the future Variety Show
They're going to tone up everything
And get decent people to go
They'll only have songs of a temperance kind
So Chirgwin will have to bear this in mind
And that Blind Boy of his will have to be blind
At the future Variety Show

Now all married couples who come to the show
Must prove they are married, or else they can't go
And all single pairs they'll divide every night
They'll be boys on the left and girls on the right.

Oh, Oh, the future Variety Show
Miss Clarice Mayne won't call her husband
'That,' for it's awfully low.
She won't call him 'that.' No, they'll soon stop her games
For there on the programme you'll see both their names
'Twill be Miss Clarice Mayne and her dear husband James
At the future Variety Show.

Oh, Oh, the future Variety Show
They'll have a choir and organist
To help with the singing, you know
And while they all sing to you hymn fifty eight
The whole of the congregation will stand there in state
While dear Brother Lauder goes round with the plate
At the future Variety Show.