AND YET, I DON'T KNOW
(R. P. Weston and Bert Lee 1922)

Performed by Stanley Holloway

Now, my sister's daughter Elizabeth May
Is going to get married next Sunday, they say.
Now, what shall I buy her? She's such a nice gel!
I think a piano would do very well.
I saw one today, only ninety-five pound:
A decent piano, I'll have it sent round.

And yet I don't know! And yet I don't know!
I think she's the rottenest player I know.
And if she keeps thumping out that 'Maiden's Pray'r'
The husband might kill his young bride, and so there!
I won't buy the piano! It's not that I'm mean;
I think I'd best buy her a sewing machine.

And yet I don't know! And yet I don't know!
A sewing machine is a 'tenner' or so!
A 'tenner' would buy lots of needles and thread,
And things that are hand-made are best, so it's said.
So it's not that I'm mingey, although I'm half Scotch -
I know what I'll buy her; an Ingersoll watch!

And yet I don't know! And yet I don't know!
In five or six years they're too fast or too slow.
And when she's turn'd seventy, that's if she's spar'd,
'Twill have cost her a fortune in being repair'd.
Or else she'll have pawn'd it, and lost it, so there!
I know what I'll buy her; a jumper to wear!

And yet I don't know! And yet I don't know!
The girls won't wear jumpers in ten years or so.
Besides she might start getting fat before long.
And fat girls in jumpers show too much ong bong!
And open work jumpers give ladies the 'flu,
I'll buy her some handkerchiefs; that's what I'll do!

And yet I don't know! And yet I don't know!
Good hankies cost twelve bob a dozen or so.
And twelve bob's too much for her poor Uncle John.
Why, anything does just to blow your nose on.
And talking of noses, hers looks red enough!
I know what I'll buy her; a nice powder puff.

She can't powder her nose with a grand piano,
Nor yet with a sewing machine.
She can't powder her nose with an Ingersoll watch:
Well, it's silly! You see what I mean!
She can't powder her nose with a jumper:
She would find it a little bit rough;
So I'll go round to Woolworth's tonight, God bless her!

And buy her a powder puff. And yet I don't know!
And yet I don't know! Sixpence ha'p'nies don't grow in backyards,
So I don't think I'll send her a powder puff,
I'll send her... my kindest regards!