COSMO, THE FAIRLY ACCURATE
KNIFE-THROWER
by
Les Barker


Roll up, roll up... cried the Ringmaster
See the man on the flying trapeze
The one we've just fitted with elastic
That's him, over there... in the trees.

'Where's Cosmo, the fairly accurate knife thrower?'
The girl with the baby said
Her name was Lucille, they knew Cosmo'd know her
She still had a knife in her head.

'He's back there in the procession.' said the Ringmaster
Pointing to an old, half timbered Morris
It's Cosmo, the fairly accurate knife thrower
And his lovely assistant, Doris.

Lucille stormed up to him in anger
Gave him the baby, he didn't resist
Shamed by the memory of the night she conceived
He'd aimed for her sister... and missed.

Little did she know that the child Cosmo gained
On that morning's Morris Traveller ride
Would become the world famous stunt man
'Evil Shameevil' and his Yammershitty 1- 2- 5

He grew up a child of the circus
Rode the Big Dipper, The Dodgems, The Ghost Train
With 'Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
And his lovely assistant, Elaine.

Once upon a time, they kept marine mammals
But everyone was agin' it
And now the pool stands empty
There isn't any porpoise in it.

Evil set the animals free
'Cos that's what he knew they would wish
You can't keep animals in cages, these days
And it never worked that well with the fish.

And soon he was the star of the circus
The Morris Traveller still travelling on
With 'Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
And his lovely assistant, Yvonne.

Poor Cosmo was on the decline
He was hitting the 'Boddingtons' Loopy Juice
And in one afternoon... hit two lovely assistants
Fourpassers by and a migrating Canada Goose.

But his circus was making a fortune
And the audiences willingly paid it
To see Evil leap over thirty 'National Front' members
And cheered when he never quite made it.

And before he got out of the ring
The next act would kill two or three
It was 'Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
And his lovely assistant, Marie.

And the climax of Evil's career
Was announced with fanfare and fuss
He'd leap over 42 motor bikes
In a corporation, double decker bus.

It was on the 1- 8- 9 to stockport
That Evil set out after his dream
Drove at Seventy five miles an hour down Wellington Road North
Towards the 'Little Sisters of the Poor' formation motor bike team.

Some say the big lady on the back seat stood up
But they found a puncture in the front wheel
And a knife enscribed,
'To Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
From his lovely assistant, Lucille.

https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Cosmo_the_Knife.htm