Four-and-Nine
Written by Bert Lee/ Two Bobs
Performed by The Two Bobs

I met a girl up West one night.
She had wonderful appetite.
She said "Take me out to dine".
I counted my money, I had four and nine.
I looked at her and she looked at me
"Where shall we go dear" murmured she
I felt a shiver go down my spine,
And I said good evening to my four and nine.

Four and nine! I took her to the Cecil
Four and nine! Didn't go inside
Took her to Lockharts, then ordered some wine
Bang went thruppence of my four and nine.

She started off with oxtail soup,
Then stewed eels that looped the loop.
She said "Oysters, here are fine",
But I ordered mussels with my four and nine.
She'd mayonnaise and haricots stewed
Don't know what it was, but it sounded rude
She started rattling for some more wine
And I started wrestling my 4 and 9

Four and Nine! Still she kept on eating
Four and Nine! I thought she'd never stop
I said "Gee this dinner's fine,
But it's raising the devil with my four and nine!"

She ordered steak and a fillet of plaice,
Then she put a chicken inside her face.
And as that chicken went down the mine,
I said, "Lord help me and my four and nine."
A large entrée she put away
Well she looked at me and her face turned grey
She got a pain from the food and wine
And I got a pain in my four and nine!

Four and Nine! The waiter brought bill in
Four and Nine! Twenty seven Bob!
I got a shock and dropped my wine
She dropped the custard on my four and nine!

The waiter stood and he looked at me.
"What about paying this bill," said he.
He kept his right eye fixed on mine.
And I kept my hand on my four and nine.
In came the boss and he gave a glare.
And he placed his foot, well I won't say where.
Right through the window I went flying,
And I lit on the pavement on me four and nine.

Four and Nine! Listen to my moral
Four and Nine! Take a tip from me
Never take a lady out to dine
When all you've got is four and nine.