Lyrics for "I Played My Concertina" from monologues.co.uk     https://monologues.co.uk/musichall/Songs-I/I-Played-My-Concertina.htm


I PLAYED MY CONCERTINA
Words by Worton David, music by H. C. Lovell, ©1909.

This concertina you must know I take with me where'er I go
While I was sailing out abroad, my poor wife she fell overboard
I cried, 'I am a selfish clown, I can't stand here and see her drown.'
So I shut my eyes and sat me down and played my concertina.

One day whilst bathing in the sea, some ladies had a game with me.
Those naughty ladies, sad to say, they pinched my clothes and ran away.
"Give me my clothes," I had to screech but they stuck to them just like a leech,
So I walked home along the beach and played my concertina.

Once in a pantomime in Crewe I played the Prince of Ranjipoo
One night my wife popped on the scene and saw me kiss the fairy queen
When I got home she glared at me 'You'll play that part no more,' said she
'Tomorrow night you'll stay with me and play your concertina.'

My wife was taken ill one night, I rushed at once to Doctor White
When I got there I rang the bell, the doctor came and shouted, 'Well?'
Said he, 'My boy, what brings you here, at twelve o'clock at night? It's queer.'
I said, 'I thought you'd like to hear me play my concertina.'

At the Grand Hotel my wife one night she went downstairs without a light
She said, 'Play your concertina, Joe, and then our room I'm sure to know.'
I played for quite three hours or more then she rushed in and cried, 'Oh
I didn't know the man next door could play the concertina.'

Last year to see the Lord Mayor's Show I took a little girl named Flo
'Now let me keep my hand,' I said, 'Upon your purse,' but she blushed red
Said she, 'You can't do that I fear, then she cried with a saucy leer
'My purse is in my stocking, dear.' so I played my concertina.

For a donkey ride I went one day and in my usual careless way,
I pinned my concertina to the donkey's tail, and off we flew.
I gave a shout as we set sail, he jumped me up till I felt pale,
And every time he wagged his tail, it played my concertina.

I recently saw a peculiar thing, a lady she sat upon a swing
A little girl was placed on high, to ring the bell she had to try
She hit the bell and it did ring and it did play God save the King
and I sat underneath the swing and played me concertina.


Performed by Arthur Osmond - recorded in 1909
Also performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)